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Offley & Stopsley CC 117 all out Vs Stevenage III's ; 118-2, 12th June

Lost by 8 wickets

Offley & Stoplsey produced a shambolic performance as they went hurtling down the table, dropping faster than a whore’s knickers. On an afternoon which had no redeeming features – other than the fact the game ended quickly enough for the players to get away in time to watch plucky England hold the mighty USA to a 1-1 draw in the World Cup – Offley served up their most rancid display of the season.

Offley batted first and occupied the crease for 52.2 overs during which time they accumulated 117 runs. The top order elected to dig trenches and grind out the runs and the afternoon was generally as interesting and thrill-packed as the Book of Job with Mo Chaudry and Chris Austin both demonstrating the virtues of the defensive prod as they combined to score 46 runs from 161 deliveries.

A dramatic late collapse added some excitement to the afternoon as Offley slumped from 93-3 to 117 all out. The lowlights included Colin Keeley and his new bat being cruelly dismissed by a first-ball shooter, Matthew Freeman putting on the wrong socks, allegedly straining something in the process and being unable to bat at his allocated spot and some generally awful shots all round. Amidst the carnage master batsman Wayne Cutts maintained his glorious streak of not being dismissed all season, closing on 2 not out.

The bowling was little better than the batting. Freeman and Richie Barker shared a frank exchange of views on the plausibility of a catch (the lingering effects of an “impact injury” were central to the debate) but that was close as anyone got to getting worked up in the field. Dave Bridgland ensured Offley claimed at least one point from the debacle before Keeley bagged a second point when he removed a batsman with the scores level. However, an eight-wicket defeat just about summed up an awful showing from the home team as they plummeted out of the promotion spots into mid-table.