Mon 10th March : Offley & Stopsley 15-8 Club UK

Offley & Stopsley 15-8 Club UK

After a couple of narrow defeats caused by a controversial red card for Nathan Brodie and some dubious refereeing decisions that played a key part in last week’s unlucky 17-2 defeat, Offley returned to winning ways.

Steve Hoar (sent to Coventry), Steve Bexfield (sent to a meeting), Darren Lunney (doctor’s note) and Colin Keeley (jetlag) were all absent but Offley displayed enough skill to make up for the lack of key players.

Former schoolboy protégé Mark Tattersall made his debut and proved he’s obnoxiously good at another sport as he scored four times and added a level of composure to proceedings. Chris Austin scored five goals, Nathan Brodie struck three times and, at the age of 33, Richie Barker finally scored the first hat trick of his career in a game that involved a referee.

However, the highlight of the night was provided, perhaps inevitably, by Matthew Freeman. Although Freeman failed to score at the right end, he lashed home a glorious shot into his own net.

Freeman picked the ball up on the right flank after receiving the ball from his keeper, Chris Latino. According to the rules Freeman was not allowed to pass it back to the keeper. And, to be fair, he didn’t pass it back. Instead he unleashed a glorious drive that almost decapitated the stunned Latino before crashing into the net.

All in all it was an impressive result and one that restored some much-needed momentum to a season that had seemed ready to run out of steam.

Mon 4th Feb : Offley & Stopsley 7-3 Playnasium

Down to the bare bones – assuming a team with containing Matty Freeman could ever be said to represent the bare bones – Offley went into the game without Colin Keeley, Chris Austin and Nathan Brodie. Lunney started on the bench with Chris Latino in goal and Freeman joined on pitch by Steve Bexfield, Steve Hoar and Richie Barker. Offley were nearly reduced to five players before the game actually started after Barker produced a typically adroit piece of finishing and cleaned up the unsuspecting Bexfield behind the goal.

The game proved to be a tight affair with clear-cut chances at a premium at both ends. Barker rattled the bar with a viciously curling free kick and Hoar and Lunney also went close to breaking the deadlock. Hoar suffered a potentially serious injury when he was struck in the face with the ball from point blank range and toppled to the earth like an electrocuted stoat. In any normal situation he would have given way to Lunney but was forced to stay on as Barker cravenly took advantage of the stoppage in play to make his way to the sidelines where he attempted to cough up interesting parts of his lungs.

Hoar had his revenge when he opened the scoring following a slick move and Lunney put Offley 2-0 up with a fine finish. It looked as if it would stay that way until halftime but Freeman produced a suicidal pass across his area that resulted in an easy goal. Bexfield sounded as if he would shed tears of frustration as he raged loudly against the injustice of it all while Latino simply screamed as he pondered the loss of a clean sheet courtesy of Freeman’s spunk-stained pass.

Freeman made some amends after the break when he finally converted one of the many chances to come his way but then blazed a sitter over the bar when it seemed easier to score. Latino nearly scored an own goal when the ball rebounded off his back but the ball stayed out. The goalkeeper looked to be in good touch and despite making his customary melodramatic attempts to stop the ball he did not appear to be in danger of being beaten. Unfortunately that was not the case. Offley’s opponents hit back to make it 3-2 and following a controversial free kick they tied the game with Latino given no chance from close range.

At that moment there was all to play for and the next goal seemed set to prove decisive with both teams pouring forward in search of the crucial strike. Latino made a fine save and Freeman hit the corner flag as the action intensified and the tension mounted.

Cue Bexfield. He may no longer have the speed in his legs and at times he might appear to be an outside contender to compete in milk floats of fire, but he still has the desire. As he headed downfield it was possible to close your eyes and hear Bonnie Tyler singing Holding Out For A Hero or some other suitably dramatic soft rock epic as Bexfield took on the opposition single-handed. These days, of course, he is so slow that even if you closed your eyes for a few seconds there would be little danger of him having crossed the halfway line. Picking up the ball deep in his own half, Bexfield picked his way through the defense, like a pensioner navigating his zimmer frame around an obstacle course of dog turds. It was reminiscent of Diego Maradona in ’86 and while it was a shame that there were no television cameras to capture the goal, the action played out so slowly that no one could forget it as Bexfield lashed the ball into the back of the net to make it 4-3.

Lunney drove home a free kick before hammering home a third from an acute angle. The Golden Shin got his second and with Barker doing an exceptional job of time wasting in the corner and sacrificing his body for the cause as he allowed himself to be scythed down, Offley eased to a 7-3 victory, a victory that owed much to team spirit and the will to defy the onset of time and a chronic lack of fitness. There may have only been six players on show for Offley but they were all magnificent.

Mon 28th Jan : Offley & Stopsley 13-2 Asthma Villa

Freeman produced a masterful display of goal-hanging as he lurked on the edge of the opposition area waiting for his teammates to set up chance after chance as their determined tackling and hard running produced service on a silver salver for the hefty front-man. Despite spurning a smorgasbord of sitters, Freeman still managed to divert a significant – albeit relatively miniscule – percentage of opportunities into the frequently unguarded net. It was a case of 7-Up for Freeman – no matter that a small child with callipers on both legs would have been disappointed to have bagged less than a dozen – and he fully deserves his moment in the sun.

Chris Latino retained his place in goal despite conceding six goals in six shots in the first half a week ago while Freeman started alongside Nathan Brodie, Steve Hoar and the world’s youngest 40-year old, Steve Bexfield. Darren Lunney and Richie Barker began the game on the bench while Colin Keeley was a late scratch and Chris Austin missed out as he attempted to recover from the rigours of playing fives, a game played exclusively by those educated at Harrow and Eton and minor members of the Royal Family. And Chris Austin, apparently....

Offley surged into a 4-0 lead as they destroyed their opponents with some slick passing. Freeman was quickly on the score sheet as he converted a chance that a blind quadriplegic would have been hard pushed to miss. Brodie also found the net before Freeman hit his second of the night and Lunney unleashed an unstoppable shot that bounced off a divot and crawled under the keeper before trickling into the corner of the net with the verve and pace of an asthmatic ant carrying a small elephant up Kilimanjaro.

Latino maintained his fine form of the previous week by letting in the first notable shot on target but Freeman helped Offley take control at the break. Despite missing a couple of clear cut sitters that would have embarrassed a three-legged polar bear who had never played the game before, Freeman stuck to his task. Freeman shrugged off the attentions of a defender who seemed eager to get to grips with all the Offley players as he employed a method of defending patented by Justin Fashanu – which is to say he seemed rather keen to get tight on his man. Despite the close attentions of his man Freeman added to his tally with some aplomb to help Offley lead 7-1 at halftime.

The second half followed a familiar display with Freeman squandering chance after chance although deflecting the odd one in off his shin. However, Latino grabbed the spotlight with a succession of gallant saves as he repeatedly threw himself at the feet of strikers and placed his body on the line. He pulled off some remarkable saves and was only beaten once following an especially arse piece of defending from Brodie who attempted to beat three men on the edge of his own area before treading on the ball and gift-wrapping a goal to the opposition.

However, Brodie made amends with a glorious goal, rifling a long range shot into the bottom corner. Freeman converted one opportunity with his arse and saw another ball fly into the net following a fortuitous deflection from another part of his ample frame. Lunney tucked another shot into the net following some typically Brazilian skill from Barker as he cut inside his man before back-heeling the ball into Lunney’s path, a pass that looked as if it might have been crafted in the Maracana under the expert tutelage of Pele and Zico.

Bexfield scored a glorious individual goal as he shrugged off the temptation to pass to better placed players and rounded three defenders like an elderly skier cautiously navigating his way through a slalom course before slotting the ball into the corner. Freeman completed the scoring following a brilliant quick throw from Latino. A couple of defenders crashed into each other and all Freeman had to do was allow Latino’s precise throw to bounce off his agriculturally swung boot and into the net.

All in all it was a relatively easy victory for Offley. Despite Austin’s deluded dreams of a Utopian society – and frankly I haven’t heard such optimistic bullshit spouted since a certain fast bowler promised to turn up early and help get the rope and the sightscreens out – and plenty of shouting from Bexfield it was a fairly stress-free night.

Tougher contests may lie ahead but for the moment Offley can enjoy the high life after making it four wins on the spin and Matthew Freeman can dream of the night he scored seven times. They don’t call him the Golden Shin for nothing.

Mon 21st Jan : Offley & Stopsley 8-7 Club UK

Steve Bexfield missed out for Offley as Steve Hoar returned to the line-up for the first time in 2008. Chris Latino started in goal with Hoar joined on the pitch by Colin Keeley, Matty Freeman, Austin and Hoar. After a cagey start which involved both teams running about a lot and doing a lot of huffing and puffing Club UK took the lead with their first shot on target. Latino got a finger tip to the ball but was unable to keep it out.

Nathan Brodie and Richie Barker were introduced into the action and helped bring the scores level. Barker won a penalty that Brodie lashed home to make it 1-1. Unfortunately Offley then endured a rough couple of minutes where they conceded three goals. Latino was left more exposed than a Bury Park hooker on laundry day as Club UK cut the Offley defence to ribbons to take a 4-1 lead.

Offley redoubled their efforts and with Barker being fouled and falling over with the frequency of Cristiano Ronaldo they slowly clawed their way back into the game. Freeman and Austin both found the net to make it 4-3 and Offley looked set to level the scores after they were awarded a free kick in a promising position. Unfortunately Barker and Freeman ballsed it up in fine style to set up Club UK for a breakaway goal to make it 5-3.

A minor dispute over tactics and substitutions led Keeley to decide, not unreasonably in the circumstances, there were better things to do with his time than watch the selfish efforts of Brodie and Lunney as they steadfastly resisted the temptation to take a break (after all what the team really needed at that time was a crazed arse firing shots from 20 yards out into the feet of the defender three feet in front of him whilst blaming everyone else on the team for the shoddy display).

Austin hit his second and Lunney also got on the score sheet to make it 5-5 to suggest that the momentum was back with Offley. However, Latino was given no chance by a curling shot as Club UK took a 6-5 lead, ensuring that they had scored with every shot on target in the first half. That looked like it would be it for the half before Offley pulled level on the stroke of halftime with a ridiculously brilliant goal from a somewhat unlikely source. Barker looked to be going nowhere as he headed for the corner before turning his man and bringing the ball onto his less favoured right foot and curling a glorious shot into the bottom corner from the acutest of angles. For a moment the Silver Bullet was truly golden.

The second half proved to be comfortably the tightest period of play that Offley have contested in their time in the league. Defences were on top and Bexfield would doubtless have been proud to have played a part in such a bloody-minded confrontation. Although Club UK took a 7-6 lead they were unable to add to their tally as Latino belatedly stepped up to the plate, frustrating the opposition’s best efforts by laying his body on the line. He might not have saved many with his hands but he fearlessly sacrificed his testicles for the greater good to keep Club UK at bay.

Brodie fired home his second goal to make it 7-7 and despite some heavy breathing from the puffing Freeman, the labouring Hoar’s celebrated impersonation of an asthmatic pit pony and some more impressively synchronised dives from Barker (how many other players have won four free kicks in this thing?), Offley looked to be guaranteed a share of the points. After a brief spell on the sidelines Brodie replaced Freeman for the final three minutes. He looked to have gifted the opposition a golden chance to win following a typically robust – some might say murderous – tackle but the referee waved play on. Resisting his natural temptation to beat six men, Brodie slipped the ball to Austin with the goal at his mercy.

For a moment time stood still. It’s fair to say that Austin has not been the most composed and lethal of finishers in front of goal during his time in an Offley shirt (the words cow’s arse, banjo and couldn’t hit spring to mind) and he has often displayed a fine line in club-footed ineptitude. However, this time he made no mistake, sweeping an unstoppable shot into the bottom corner to put Offley ahead with seconds remaining. There was barely enough time for Club UK to kickoff before the final whistle went to confirm Offley’s dramatic victory as the team made it three wins out of three, a triumph that was either a testimony to their footballing skills or an indictment of the lack of talent arrayed against them; it depends on one’s point of view.

Anyway, who wants to hear some more about that goal?

Mon 14th Jan ; Offley & Stopsley 17-9 Whoever We Played

Offley were without Colin Keeley, Steve Hoar and Chris Austin for a variety of reasons. However, they were boosted by the return of ageing defender Steve Bexfield. Bexfield made a rare start along with Chris Latino, Matty Freeman and Nathan Brodie with Richie Barker in goal and Darren Lunney watching from the sidelines.

Offley were gifted a 3-0 lead after the opposition failed to turn up on time and the referee quickly proved his superiority to last week’s official by proving he could add up. Offley exploded out of the traps and had soon stretched their advantage to 5-0 before their opponents got on the scoreboard after Brodie allowed himself to be brushed off the ball in uncharacteristically soft fashion.

After that goals began to flow at both ends. Barker mixed some decent saves with an excellent impersonation of a blind man as he was left pawing the air after missing a shot from some way out. Had it been on a full size pitch it would have been roughly equivalent to letting in a shot from 70 yards. Brodie crashed home a couple of free kicks with his customary venom and Freeman also found the net. However, Offley produced some sloppy play in the closing stages of the half with Bexfield particularly culpable on one occasion as the teams went in with Offley leading 9-6 and looking extremely grateful for their three-goal head start.

Latino replaced Barker in goal at the start of the second half and Offley began to play with real verve and fluency as they stormed into a 12-6 lead. Freeman and Bexfield found the net although tempers began to fray among the Offley side with forthright observations being exchanged among the Holy Trinity of Bexfield, Freeman and Brodie regarding their respective merits. Latino briefly offered the opposition a way back into the game by diving over a really soft shot with a really bad dive but Offley were not to be denied. Brodie lashed home a penalty before Barker replaced Freeman and the Silver Bullet delivered a superb finish to wrap up an excellent move. Timing his run to perfection, Barker left the hapless defender trailing in his wake before delivering a wonderfully nonchalant finish to make it 14-7. He then made way for Freeman and went in search of emergency oxygen supplies.

Bexfield continued to make a mockery of his advancing years as he thumbed a nose at Father Time and repeatedly beat his marker with a simple step-over routine. Despite struggling with the problem of new boxer shorts, Freeman blended his customary nice touches and clinical finishing with some bovine defending and seemed to incur the wrath of his goalkeeper on numerous occasions with Latino loudly objecting to being treated to a close-up view of Freeman’s backside on the edge of the area.

Offley had their foot off the gas by the end but still emerged as easy winners and with reinforcements set to arrive in time for their next game there seems no reason why they cannot maintain their impressive winning streak. Well played.

Mon 7th Jan : Offley & Stopsley 12 - 10 Drunk and Disorderly

40-year old Steve Bexfield missed out owing to a prior commitment driving the sunshine bus while Steve Hoar failed a fitness test on an ankle injury. Hoar failed to take the fitness test after stepping outside in the chill January air and contracting a nasty dose of goose bumps. Allegedly.

Offley started with Richie Barker in goal and an outfield quartet of Chris Latino, Chris Austin, Colin Keeley and Nathan Brodie. Matthew Freeman was due to start but he experienced difficulties removing his sweatshirt and then had further problems strapping on his shin pads and was forced to watch the early exchanges from the sidelines.

It’s fair to say that Offley got off to a poor start and Barker was called upon to make four tricky saves in the first five minutes as his defence disintegrated. Unfortunately Barker was only able to make one save and Offley quickly found themselves 3-0 down. However, Offley hit back and Brodie scored from the penalty spot to make it 3-1. Keeley and Lunney also found the net as Offley made it 3-3.

With typical flair Offley conceded the next two goals before Brodie scored his second and then added a third with his second penalty of the night. 5-5. Not according to the mathematically-challenged official who announced that Offley were in fact 6-4 down. Words were said – Lunney and Freeman were particularly vociferous in their demand for justice while Keeley delivered a remarkably restrained lecture pointing out that as both teams had scored five goals the score was 5-5 and suggesting, “I think you’ll find that’s the laws of the game,” – but Steven Hawking said no and insisted that Drunk & Disorderly were 6-4 up. Offley cut the gap to 7-6 at the break even though they should have been leading by that margin.

Offley quickly established a two-goal cushion at the start of the second half (in other words they dragged themselves back to 7-7 on the official scoreboard) before taking the lead with a fine goal. Sadly it was soon 8-8 (actually it was 9-7 but what can you do?) when Keeley latched on to a cross and confidently blasted the ball into his own net.

Another inept piece of refereeing allowed the opposition to regain the lead when a free kick should have been given. Once again Freeman appealed to the heavens for justice while Brodie was perhaps fortunate to escape official retribution as he picked up the ball and stormed towards the referee offering him some choice advice.

Incensed by the gross injustices inflicted upon them Offley stormed back, pouring forward and launching wave after wave of attack. Latino scored from a narrow angle and Freeman struck with a long-range effort as the opposition keeper dived over the soft shot with the poise and aptitude of Qumar on the boundary.

At the other end Barker reeled off a string of majestic stops, including a wonderful full length save at his near post and another where he adjusted in mid-air after a wicked deflection and reversed field to turn the ball to safety. Actually he dived the wrong way and it him on the knee but such is life. Offley led 11-9 when Brodie obliterated an opposing player with a challenge that should have produced a yellow card. Incredibly the referee did not even give a free kick and as the player lay sobbing on the cold turf Brodie charged forward to score.

There was still time for Keeley to lean back and blast a glorious opportunity high into the night sky when it seemed easier to score. Banana shots are all well and good but on this occasion kicked the ball with the precision of a man with banana feet, scooping it high over the crossbar. Drunk & Disorderly cut the gap to 12-10 (13-9 actually) but Barker snuffed out their hopes of a fight-back with several more good saves and Offley held on despite the referee playing an inordinately generous amount of injury time in his bid to frustrate the victory bid.

All in all a fine effort from the boys as they ended a three-game winless streak. It would be unfair to single out individuals on a night when Lunney snapped at heels like an irritating terrier, Brodie gashed limbs like a rabid Doberman and Freeman ran around until he disappeared up his own backside like a slightly retarded Labrador chasing his tail. However, the sight of Latino coughing his lungs up but urging his legs ever onward was a noble sight while Barker’s brilliance in goal was matched only by Keeley’s clinical finishing at the wrong end – although to be fair he did score a couple of crackers.

The boys are back, promotion and glory await!

Mon Dec 17th ; Offley & Stopsley 10 - 10 The Other Team

Offley were left with a seven-man squad after Steve Hoar made himself unavailable again, apparently needing to miss the game so he could think up some more excuses for missing future games. Colin Keeley was all absent. Although there was no conclusive evidence for his absence, entertainment correspondent Matthew Freeman reported that Keeley had sustained a potentially devastating knee injury in a nightclub incident where his knee had buckled as he attempted to catch a female whilst simulating a scene from 'Dirty Dancing', finishing in an unseemly bundle of the floor. Romance is hard work !

Offley started with Richie Barker in goal and an outfield line-up of Freeman, Steve Bexfield, Nathan Brodie and Chris Austin. Darren Lunney missed the early exchanges as he was in the toilet and Chris Latino turned up late.

Offley opened the scoring with a coruscating move that ripped the defence apart and ended with Chris Austin slotting home. Offley also scored the second goal of the game, unfortunately at the wrong end. Freeman slipped in front of the attacking and flicked the ball past Barker into the roof of the net to make it 1-1. Bexfield was not impressed by the error and loudly demanded to know what was wrong with Freeman’s left foot. The effort and emotion was all too much for the ageing Bexfield and he was forced to go off and have a sit down to get his breath back.

Despite that setback Offley enjoyed much the better of the first half and took a 4-2 lead into halftime as Freeman, Austin and Latino all netted. Latino’s goal was nice to see after he came on and initially ran around with all the poise and composure of a retarded Labrador before finding the back of the net.

It looked as if Offley would take control at the start of the second half after going 5-2 up with another fine goal. Unfortunately they conceded the next four to go 6-5 down due to some fairly abject defending. Despite Bexfield turning the clock back to the days when he was 39, Austin had a poor game and struggled to impose himself on proceedings, routinely being beaten and abused like a slalom poll on a ski slope. Freeman also failed to track back on occasion with the result that Barker was left more exposed than Wayne Cutts’ waistline in a pair of hot pants.

However, Offley dug deep and Lunney found some form to haul Offley back into contention. Bexfield outsprinted Father Time’s scything tackle to score a fine goal and Brodie produced some typically robust challenges but also ran around in circles at times and threatened to disappear up his own backside. Barker made a tremendous triple save but then undid some of the good work by letting in a long-range shot which he did not appear to see, suggesting perhaps not for the first time in this sporting year that he should have gone to Specsavers.

Offley took a 10-9 before controversially withdrawing Freeman – allegedly their best close-range finisher – and tried to close the game out in the final minutes. However, Barker and Austin combined to allow a free shot at goal and the hefty Austin allowed himself to be brushed aside like an empty crisp packet on a windy day as Offley conceded a late equaliser.

Not the greatest performance of all time and despite showing some nice touches going forward Offley continue to allow opposing strikers to much space at the back. It seems quite remarkable that after eight games the team still has no clear idea as to who should be playing at the back and it may be time to recall Latino in goal and give the Silver Bullet the chance to spend a couple of minutes on the pitch.

However, much may depend on the seriousness of Keeley’s wounded knee and whether or not he can return in the New Year when Offley launch their new league campaign. Crocked in Chicago’s after spilling a dolly... What a way to go...

Mon Dec 10th ; Offley & Stopsley 7-10 Real Rejects

Offley’s inaugural campaign came to a disastrous end as they crashed to a shock defeat at the hands of bottom club Real Rejects. The result gave the Rejects their only win of the year while Offley finished in a disappointing fifth place in the eight-team league. Perhaps it was a Christmas miracle that gave the Rejects their victory, perhaps Hatchet Matty Freeman had been insufficiently devout in his prayers, perhaps Offley missed the slow but steady presence of Old Man River Bexfield or perhaps they were simply shite.

Despite bookmakers making Offley an early favourite the situation had changed dramatically by kickoff. Steve Hoar, Offley’s answer to Darren Anderton, was absent in America and consequently failed to add to his solitary appearance. The judge’s friend Nathan Brodie cried off after being confined to his sickbed and Offley’s forces were depleted further by Bexfield’s decision to pull out after deciding that at 40 years of age he can no longer negotiate two games in seven days.

Consequently Offley were left with a six-man squad that looked to be a little short of fitness and stamina and their prospects were not helped by the discovery that the Rejects had brought in a ringer for the occasion, the exotic foreign star G O’bshite.

Offley started with Richie Barker in goal and the quartet of Colin Keeley, Matty Freeman, Chris Latino and Chris Austin out field with Darren Lunney on the bench. After a cagey opening Offley looked ready to stamp their authority on proceedings. Keeley opened the scoring before Latino delivered a fine left-footed shot to make it 2-0. The floodgates seemed set to open.

They did. Unfortunately at the other end as the Rejects scored the next five goals with O’bshite running amok. A dubious free kick allowed O’bshite to make it 2-1 with Offley compounding the referee’s questionable decision with some naive defending that left Barker with no chance. The defence went missing soon afterwards as the Rejects made it 2-2 and a shocking piece of officiating allowed O’bshite to make it 3-2 after he clearly set foot inside the penalty area.

Freeman and Keeley, attorneys at law, were incensed by the decision with both issuing heartfelt pleas for clemency from the referee. Freeman (the only Offley player to be sent to the sin bin during the campaign) was fortunate to avoid another dismissal for dissent while Keeley took justifiable exception to O’bshite and loudly informed him that he was his “worst fucking nightmare.”

Unfortunately O’bshite wasn’t providing much of a fairytale for Offley and the fucking nightmare continued as Offley shipped the next two goals. O’bshite found the back of the net again before an unmarked 12-year old took advantage of the freedom of Stopsley to lash a shot into the top corner. Freeman cut the gap to 5-3 at the break but Offley turned round with a mountain to climb, clearly missing the slow but steady presence of Bexfield or the anarchic tackling of Brodie.

Lunney took a leading role in the second half as he began to hack O’bshite with delightful relish. This succeeded in negating the danger man for a while and Offley cut the gap to 7-6. Austin unleashed a barrage of fierce shots that invariably flew wide of the target and Freeman also missed when he might have done better. However, Austin finally found the back of the net and Freeman completed his hat trick as Offley pulled within a goal with 10 minutes left.

Sadly a lack of fitness began to tell. Freeman was struggling but a deplorable performance from Latino hardly helped the cause. Latino seemed ready to cough up his lungs within seconds of his appearance as a second half substitute and with Keeley limping after sustaining an ankle injury and Freeman breathing heavily and sweating like a swamp donkey with bronchitis the tide turned in the Rejects further.

Barker made a couple of magnificent saves to deny O’bshite but the rebound fell kindly for the opposition and the defence disintegrated as lack of discipline and fitness took its toll. Austin grabbed a late consolation to make it 9-7 with a minute to go but O’bshite confirmed the win when he waltzed through a static defence to lash the ball home as the final whistle went.

All in all not a good day. Offley clearly missed Brodie and his willingness to scythe people down while Freeman failed to live up to his self-proclaimed reputation as a hatchet man and stop O’bshite in his tracks even though he did perform well in front of goal. Austin’s failure to bring his shooting boots helped earn him the reputation of the Spoon-footed Sensation while Latino’s heavy breathing suggests he either has a career ahead of him as a stalker or is in need of a lung transplant.

Overall not the best way to have ended things but as has been pointed out before it’s unreasonable to expect quality cricketers to be two-sport superstars. Sadly that means most of us are buggered..

3rd Dec: Offley & Stopsley 10-14 Loyal Luton

Offley fielded a weakened line-up but still played some scintillating football as Matty Freeman lashed in a first half hat-trick and Richie Barker produced heroics in goal after his defense betrayed him time and time again.

Offley were without Steve Hoar (ankle ligaments, apparently), Chris Latino (alcohol poisoning, allegedly) and Colin Keeley (work commitments). In their absence elder statesman Steve Bexfield returned to the team after missing the demolition of Club UK and former cricket tourist Phil Stone took time out from dealing with the financial problems at Kenilworth Road to administer first aid to the Offley squad.

Bexfield wisely elected to keep himself on the bench at the start and Barker, Freeman, Chris Austin, Darren Lunney and Nathan Brodie began the game. Offley exploded out of the blocks and landed the first blow in a seesaw first half when Freeman finished off a flowing move to open the scoring. However, Loyal Luton responded quickly to make it 1-1 despite a couple of fine saves from Barker before Freeman displayed his shooting prowess to make it 2-1.

Unfortunately Offley’s defense quickly began to show signs of cracking under pressure and a failure to pick up the runners quickly saw them go behind 3-2. Freeman hit back with his third goal to tie it at 3-3 and goals continued to come at both ends. Brodie delivered a wonderfully agricultural challenge to halt one Luton attack and with a number of sliding tackles flying in from both sides the referee was in danger of losing control of the contest.

The goals flowed as Freeman hit a fourth and Lunney found the target before Brodie swept home a glorious finish to cap a spectacular move. However despite netting six times in the first half Offley found themselves behind at the break as their defensive frailties were exposed.

Brodie’s tendency to charge into the tackle like a fire engine going to the wrong fire exposed gaps at the back and although Bexfield threw himself into the fray with the enthusiasm and passion of a pensioner hobbling along the promenade at Eastbourne he failed to recapture the form that has served him so well throughout a lengthy career. Consequently he was pulled out of position time after time and performed more like Cesare Maldini than Paolo Maldini.

Fortunately for Offley Barker was in fine form in goal and contrived to get various parts of his anatomy in the way of a succession of goal-bound shots as he threw himself around his goal in a manner reminiscent of Gordon Banks. That would be Gordon Banks vintage 2007 rather than 1966.

Offley promptly went 8-6 down after the break but Bexfield found the net and Austin unfurled a gorgeous shot from the halfway line to level it at 8-8.

Sadly talent and fitness began to tell (in Offley’s case a lack of talent and fitness) and Luton gradually gained control. Brodie failed to produce his best form while Bexfield’s impending 40^th birthday loomed ever closer with every missed tackle and untracked runner. Stone showed the odd nice touch but was rarely given the space to make his mark and Freeman began to labour about the pitch like a knackered pit pony pining for the glue factory.

It looked all over at 11-8 but Austin briefly gave Offley hope with a fine strike before a controversial penalty left Offley with a mountain to climb. In the final desperate minutes Freeman contrived to hit his own post before Barker made a remarkable reaction save, blocking one shot with his knee and then getting a testicle in the way of the follow-up.

Freeman finally took his leave, slowly shuffling towards the exit. On another night he might have been forgiven for milking the applause of the crowd but with his team doomed to defeat there seemed little doubt that he was taking his time because he was absolutely shattered. I’m not saying he was slow but by the end of the night Jeff Francis could have given Freeman a 20-yard head start over 100 yards and still cruised to victory.

A late flurry of goals left Offley on the wrong end of a 14-10 line-up and they were left to ponder what might have been. Yet this was glorious failure, emphatically more Scotland 1-2 Italy than England 2-3 Croatia. Had Hoar been fit to play his cutting edge might have made a difference, although as he’s missed four out of five games with a variety of ailments that may be wishful thinking. Hoar, Offley’s answer to Mr Burns, will also miss the final game of the campaign due to some spurious trip to Dallas and will be uncomfortably aware that he has surpassed Freeman as the club’s most injury-prone player with Ladbrokes now taking regular bets on which ailment will rule him out each week.

Brodie picked the wrong night to have an off game and Bexfield, the Teddy Sheringham of the side at 39 and 11 months and 28 days (or whatever) will perhaps ruefully reflect that the game has passed him by with the same ease and inevitability of the winger slipping past him down the flank for the third time in as many minutes.

The result left Offley in fifth place. However, the final game is against Real Rejects (current goal difference minus 104) and a victory by more than seven goals will ensure that Offley finish in third. Results elsewhere mean that Runfold win the league.

Offley will look to go out on a high next week and should have plenty of players to choose from against a team that have shipped 135 goals in six outings. Difficult decisions lie in wait for player-manager Bexfield. Does he recall the Irish Assassin up front? Will there be a place for Latino? Is it time to free the Silver Bullet from the confines of goal? Will Freeman remember to eat his pre-match meal early enough to avoid chronic indigestion? And, perhaps most intriguingly of all, has the time come for Bexfield to consider hanging up the boots that have served him so well?

All will be revealed next week.

19th Nov ; Offley & Stopsley CC 23 -4 Club UK

With Bexfield missing the game due to fitness worries (it’s not easy to play two games in two weeks when you’re so close to turning 40), Steve Hoar made his first appearance of the season. Hoar may have run out of excuses for not playing but he soon proved that his debut had been worth waiting for. Chris Latino also made his debut on the pitch with Richie Barker replacing him in goal.

Offley got off to a flying start when Colin Keeley fired them into an early lead. Offley doubled their advantage after their opponents lost possession from the kickoff and Hoar buried a shot in the corner from long range.

At that moment it looked as though it might be a procession. However, Chris Austin fatally under-hit a back pass and Latino was obliged to concede a free kick on the edge of the penalty area as he slid in recklessly. From the resulting free kick Austin lost his composure completely and swung his leg wildly at the ball, diverting it into his own net and giving Barker no chance.

Offley surged back into attack and the game was effectively settled as they scored then ext four goals. Keeley completed his hat trick with two incisive strikes, Hoar applied the finishing touch to a raking pass from Nathan Brodie and Brodie made it 6-1 to leave Club UK rocking. Offley conceded the next goal when Latino dangled a leg girlishly at the ball and managed to deflect it past his own keeper who looked to have it well covered.

Offley began to make their experience and fresh legs tell as they introduced multiple substitutes against a team with no reserves. Hoar ran riot up front, blasting the goals in with aplomb. He and Brodie both completed first half hat tricks and Austin also got in on the act with a cultured finish.

Brodie blotted his copybook slightly with a full-blooded challenge on one of his opponents that briefly threatened to spark a 13-man riot (considering we had eight men and they had three plus two kids it was the type of riot that appealed to Mad Matty Freeman) and Brodie was perhaps slightly fortunate to avoid a spell in the sin bin.

Club UK added a third goal after sloppy work from Latino who appeared to be struggling to adapt to the requirements of playing outfield. After emerging from the bench Latino was promptly skinned by a small child and then failed to recover in time allowing his opponent to run unmolested down the wing and fire into the far corner. Latino deserves praise for not molesting the child but he must be chastised for failing to fulfil his defensive duties.

The half ended with Offley cruising with a 15-3 advantage after playing some excellent football. The game was clearly over as a contest and the only thing that was left to be resolved was the margin of victory.

Sadly in a display that would not have brought much joy to the puritanical Bexfield Offley passed up the chance of bolstering their goal difference after the break in favour of indulging in some exotic passing movements that would not have looked out of place under azure blue skies on the sands of the Copacabana. Apart from the fact that they were playing on Astroturf in the pissing rain.

Offley were apparently consumed by the desire to score the perfect goal and attempted to walk the ball into the net. Austin, Brodie, Hoar, Keeley and Darren Lunney all queued up to show off fancy flicks and tricks and it was left to Freeman to apply some much-needed clinical finishing. Freeman lashed home a rapid hat trick as he drove home a pair of long range efforts before beating a shell-shocked keeper from close range.

Lunney missed a couple of opportunities when it seemed harder to miss than score but finally notched his opening two goals of the campaign. Latino also opened his account while Brodie and Austin finished from acute angles.

At the other end Barker made a series of fine saves as his defence began to lose interest in proceedings but was finally beaten after an inept cross-field pass from Keeley. Keeley turned himself into a corner and then failed to look before under-hitting a pass across the face of his own area and into the path of the opposition striker who finished with ease.

Offley had the last word with Latino’s second goal to make it 23-4 and Latino seemed set to complete a hat trick after cutting in from the right flank and closing in on goal. He pulled the trigger and unleashed a ferocious shot but was denied by the combination of bar and post. Unfortunately for Offley’s Man of Steel / Drama Queen the ball rebounded towards him at a ferocious rate and struck him a nasty blow amidships, bringing him to his knees and tears to the eyes of his teammates.

The final whistle went shortly afterwards leaving Offley to celebrate a crushing victory, albeit one that might have been more convincing had they been more clinical in front of goal. With two games left to go goal difference could be crucial and much will depend on their ability to bolster their goal difference against bottom of the table Real Rejects (goal difference -83) next week.

A selection dilemma may also be on the cards with Bexfield’s absence and advancing age possibly set to count against him before the next game. After Offley’s impersonation of Brazil on a night when they sparkled in the rain, is there any reason for turning back the clock in favour of the defensive-minded Bexfield?

After all does a team featuring the flashing boots and sublime skills of Keelaldo, Freemisco, Latinaldo, Brodinhosa, Hoito, Lunnaldo, Autistico and Ricadisco really need the one-paced defensive mindset of Bexfieto?

12th Nov ; Offley & Stopsley CC 4-9 Crazy Gang

Matty Freeman scored twice but Offley failed to cope with the youthful lungs and demented enthusiasm to win of an Irish contingent who could easily have scored 20 had it not been for some magnificent saves from Chris Latino and some slightly more fortuitous stops from Richie Barker after Latino succumbed to his wounded knee.

Colin Keeley was absent for Offley while Steve Hoar maintained his one hundred percent record of failing to turn up for a game by crying off with the latest in a long line of spurious excuses.

Offley got off to a slow start and found themselves 3-0 down before they had made their first substitution. Nathan Brodie went close to opening the scoring but was thwarted by the post and although Latino made a couple of fine saves to blunt the early Irish uprising he was finally beaten when a shot deflected up off his foot and looped into the corner

The Crazy Gang quickly stretched their lead to 3-0 as Latino was exposed and Steve Bexfield was forced to make a double substitution, withdrawing Chris Austin and Freeman in favour of himself and Barker.

Bexfield conceded a free kick with his first touch after lashing a shot above head height which caused the doughty Englishman’s cheeks to flush rose red with embarrassment at his breathtaking waywardness. However, the switch worked well for a couple of minutes before Offley went 4-0 down as Offley’s defense switched off quicker than a Jehovah Witness’s life support machine.

Offley got on the scoreboard before the break after Freeman beat a defender and produced a composed finish to cut the gap to 4-1 but there seemed little prospect of a dramatic turnaround after the interval.

However, Offley looked to be up against it at the start of the second half. Darren Lunney withdrew from the action after struggling to impose himself during the first period amid speculation that he had been working too hard at Keeley Towers where he appeared to have been subjected to hours of back-breaking toil.

The hoards of O’Connors, Murphys and Tracys poured forward at every opportunity and the situation deteriorated further when Latino’s knee buckled beneath him and Offley’s own Heather Mills was forced off the pitch leaving Barker to take over in goal, thereby bringing an end to the Silver Bullet’s contribution up front – a contribution that quite frankly was pretty crap.

Some tired legs and collapsed lungs spelt doom for Offley but Barker enjoyed a spectacular three minutes when he thwarted everything that was thrown at him before the Crazy Gang scored twice in quick succession.

Brodie cut the gap to 6-2 with a quickly taken free kick but seconds later it was 7-2 as Lunney capped a desperate night by slicing the ball into the back of his own net. All in all not a good night for Darren the Decorator who looked as if he had spent the day sniffing the fumes from one of his own cans of solid emulsion.

Austin rounded off the best move of the night by finishing with aplomb from an acute angle but the Crazy Gang made it 8-3 after Barker was left hopelessly exposed by some abject defending before Freeman dithered once too often on the edge of his own area and gifted a ninth goal to the opposition.

Freeman atoned in part by wrapping up the scoring after knifing his way through the defense like a blunt knife cutting through wet tissue to bury the ball in the bottom corner before the referee brought the curtain down on proceedings.

At first glance this wasn’t much of a night for Offley as they were ripped to pieces by a committed outfit that were evidently determined to get a bit of revenge for England’s role in the potato famine.

However, the team refused to throw in the towel against a younger opposition and kept going to the final whistle, refusing to bend the knee in submission or throw up in a corner. Anyway this is just something we do to keep our fitness levels up (ha!) and there’s no doubt that it would be a different story on the cricket pitch.

5th Nov ; Offley & Stopsley CC 3-3 Runfold

Offley started the night with a seven-man squad after losing talismanic defender Nathan Brodie to injury while Steve Hoar’s latest excuse for being unable to play involved a firework display.

Steve Bexfield opted for a bold approach at the start of the game and opened up with Chris Latino in goal, along with Darren Lunney, Chris Austin, Matty Freeman and Richie Barker out on pitch.

A number of tight decisions went against Offley in the early exchanges and Freeman was quick to inform the referee that he did not feel Offley were getting the rub of the green. After another decision went against his team Freeman took umbrage and made his views clear in no uncertain terms.

The referee reacted to Freeman’s petulant complaints and accusations of favouritism by brandishing a blue card and sending Freeman to the sin bin to cool his heels for a few minutes and think about what he’d done – namely letting himself and his team down. With that moment of indiscipline Freeman proved that while he may lack the non-stop engine capable of carrying him up and down the pitch for the duration of the game he has a motor-mouth that never stops running.

Colin Keeley replaced Barker and Bexfield came on for Austin but Runfold soon made their advantage tell when they scored from a free kick. However, Offley’s players dug deep as they called upon all their experience of playing with ten men at cricket on those numerous occasions when Freeman has wandered off in search of sugar, crisps or a toilet break. Latino produced a series of fine saves to keep the opposition at bay and Offley’s gutsy defenders restricted the damage to a single goal before Freeman was allowed to return from the sin bin.

Offley hauled themselves level shortly before halftime when Keeley lashed home a superb strike. Freeman picked him out on the right flank and Keeley cut inside his man before unleashing a fine drive that gave the goalkeeper no chance and made it 1-1 at the break.

Offley came close to taking the lead at the start of the second half as Bexfield passed to Barker from the kickoff and the Silver Bullet produced a sensational shot that gave the keeper no chance. Unfortunately it not only beat the keeper but also sailed over the bar and into the neighbouring pitch. Bexfield was not impressed and informed the Silver Bullet he had embarrassed himself; fair comment, really.

Despite boasting a much younger group of players Runfold were unable to find a way past Latino and paid the price when Barker fed Bexfield and he hammered the ball past the keeper from the edge of the area. When Austin rounded off a slick passing move with a sweet finish to put Offley 3-1 up it looked as though there might be a major shock on the cards as Lunney’s impressive work rate helped to compensate for the absence of Brodie.

Offley had their chances to wrap up victory but Bexfield was denied by the keeper and Freeman hit the post after surging through the heart of the defence. It seemed easier to score than miss but miss he did, although the shot struck the inside of the post but you don’t get extra points for that.

Runfold cut the gap to 3-2 with eight minutes remaining when Latino was exposed by a fine move. It looked as if Offley would hang on for the win but with just two minutes to go Latino was beaten by a magnificent strike from close to the halfway line which fizzed into the bottom corner. Both teams had chances to win it but Latino held firm and Bexfield came agonisingly close to winning it at the death.

After the game it was tempting to reflect that had Freeman said nothing and found the back of the net rather than the inside of the post Offley might have been cruising to victory with a 4-0 lead. However, you win as a team and you lose as a team so it would be wrong to single out Matty for Offley’s failure to claim victory. After all he made some key blocks and a couple of sly, dirty tackles as he gently raked his studs down opposition ankles.

All in all a decent performance and a point gained rather than two points lost.

29th Oct ; Offley & Stopsley CC 0-2 Runfold (Match Abandoned)

Colin Keeley was absent for Offley and with Steve Hoar also missing (something about it being the wrong time of the month) Offley were left with seven players. Chris Austin made his first appearance of the season and started alongside Freeman, Nathan Brodie, Darren Lunney and Chris Latino. Steve Bexfield elected to start the game on the sidelines and also made the surprising decision to keep Richie Barker out of the action in the early stages, thus depriving the team of their star striker and preventing Runfold from suffering early damage at the dazzling feet of the Silver Bullet.

Offley were keen to show they meant business against a team that had scored 13 goals in their previous appearance. Freeman announced his presence with authority in the opening minute when he body-checked a much smaller opponent and treated him to a lengthy stare, the type of stare he customarily reserves for 13-year old batsmen and helpless pensioners. Freeman later announced that the opponent in question was left in no doubt that he’d be getting it for the rest of the night.

Despite his physical presence Freeman almost gifted Runfold an opening goal when he under-hit a back pass with woeful timidity and exposed Latino. However, the keeper bailed Freeman out with a fine save.

Runfold broke the deadlock soon after with Latino failing to close his legs in time as the ball squirted through and into the back of the net. Bexfield responded by pulling off Freeman (wahey!) and sending on the Silver Bullet in a bid to get a goal back.

However, matters deteriorated quickly for Offley as they went further behind following a slick passing move. Brodie injured his groin in the process and Offley suddenly had a mountain to climb. Austin revived their hopes briefly when he hit the bar from an acute angle and the Silver Bullet forced a fine save from the keeper.

At the other end Latino showed characteristic bravery as he put his body on the line to thwart a powerful shot, getting both testicles firmly behind the ball to prevent his side from going 3-0 down. Bexfield came on for Austin and danced through the defense to give himself a clear sight of goal before squandering the chance by producing a powder-puff shot that would have embarrassed a three-year old girl.

Shortly afterwards the thuggish Freeman chased a ball into the corner and despite making minimal contact the Runfold player went down holding his knee and was clearly in no state to continue. The game was eventually called off giving Offley the chance to live and fight another day.

Offley & Stopsley’s cricketers proved that they have more than one string to their sporting bow as they recorded victory in their opening five-a-side football fixture.

The team, unofficially known as Fatty Freeman’s Fearsome Foursome, surged into an early 3-0 lead after the opposition were detained in the heavy traffic that routinely affects Luton on a Monday night.

Despite being without the missing Steve Hoar (suffering with a serious dose of earache) and manager Chris Austin (holidaying in Scotland) Offley got off to a good start with Chris Latino looking composed in goal and Steve Bexfield and Nathan Brodie providing an impenetrable barrier at the back. Matty Freeman adopted a floating role in midfield, tackling like a butterfly, leaving veteran Colin Keeley to plough a lonely furrow up front, rather like a carthorse that has seen better days but is still defiantly prepared to answer the call.

Bexfield eased into the fray by shouting a lot in a loud voice that had been forged long ago on the pitches around Marsh Farm while Brodie clattered into any opponent who was unwise enough to try to break through the thin white line. Evidently content that he had established control of the game Bexfield was the first player to come off to be replaced by Richie Barker, resplendent in silver boots. The Silver Bullet duly made his mark on the match as an impact substitute, curling a sublime left-footed shot into the bottom corner within two minutes of coming on. Sadly within three minutes of coming on he was gasping for oxygen and made way for Darren Lunney.

Bexfield also returned to the fray for Brodie and looked to have doubled the lead but the referee controversially ruled that the ball had not crossed the line. Keeley and Lunney were also denied by the woodwork as Offley threatened to run riot with a blend of skilful football rarely seen this side of the Copacabana.

The EvoLuton grabbed a fortuitous goal against the run of play but with Keeley puffing up and down the pitch like Ivor the Engine on crack and Brodie replacing Freeman to add an edge to the defence, Offley eased to the break with a 4-1 advantage. After marauding down the wing without a break for the entire first half, the crimson-faced pirate Keeley left for work at halftime, leaving the team down to six men and facing a tough second half with limited options on the bench.

However, the game was effectively over within minutes of the kickoff as Offley fired a two-goal salvo. Brodie eased home a long-range free kick before Barker made it 6-1 with a clinical finish. A desire to celebrate his strike prevented Barker from tracking back following the kickoff and EvoLuton duly reduced the deficit, much to the evident disappointment of Bexfield. Latino was called upon to make a couple of fine saves as the other blokes briefly rallied, tipping away one goal-bound effort before smothering the rebound.

Yet Brodie restored the cushion with a well-taken penalty following an infraction by the goalkeeper and Offley missed numerous chances to add to their lead, Lunney perhaps the most culpable when he squandered a glorious chance from the edge of the area. It was all over bar the shouting as Freeman waltzed through the defence like a rhino charging down a ski slope to slide home the eighth goal.

EvoLuton scored a late consolation when Latino was unfortunately beaten by a speculative effort and Barker missed out on what would have been a superb hat trick when his shot cannoned back off the crossbar but doubtless there will be further opportunities ahead for the mercurial Silver Bullet ! ! ! !

All in all it was a fine start to the campaign by Offley’s players as they demonstrated the ability to run hard for forty minutes (some of them anyway) while others preferred to let their teammates do the hard graft and wait for the opportunity to display their predatory instincts at the business end of the pitch. Offley’s depleted side can take great satisfaction from their efforts and will look to carry their form into next week’s clash with the mighty Runfold.